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"I still don't understand how that relates to what those bastards did to you," Harry softly said. There was anger in his eyes, but it didn't seem to be aimed at him.
Severus could feel his face burning with shame and the tea churning in his stomach. His grip went white around the mug in his hands as he gave Harry the unadorned truth, "The men I was drawn to, they could easily have their pick of lovers. In order for them to consent to be with me, I had to offer them . . . the sort of things most men would never voluntarily engage in. Some preferred physical torment, but the most powerful enjoyed mental domination."
"Oh, my god," Harry whispered. His expression seemed to suggest that the obnoxious eggnog and their Christmas dinner were about to make a reappearance.
Harry's reaction being fully as shocked as he'd dreaded, Severus continued in a voice that sounded dead to even his own ears, "I'm not proud of what I permitted, but at the time I was . . . quite desperate, and there really was no other way."
Severus looked back down as warm liquid splashed onto his hands. Surprised, he saw that they were shaking so badly that the tea was sloshing out of the mug.
Harry's hand came into Severus' line of sight, took the cup from his clenched grip, and silently levitated it to the side table. "No wonder you don't want anybody mucking around in your head. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"How could you?" Severus replied, stunned by his lover's acceptance of what he considered shameful failures on his own part. A man like Harry would never have allowed himself to be brutalized that way.
"You've never told anyone about any of this, have you?" Harry asked with unexpected gentleness.
His gaze jumped to Harry's handsome face. The anticipated disgust wasn't there. Harry looked angry, and faintly sick, but mostly concerned . . . for him.
A breath away from falling apart totally, Severus forced himself to give a characteristically disdainful snort as he answered, "Until a few weeks ago, there wasn't anyone who would have cared."
"I'm sorry," Harry said.
Confused by the apology, for all he could think was that Harry was apologizing for his need to break things off now that he knew the truth, Severus gathered his controls tightly about him as he asked, "For what?"
"That you suffered that way. That there wasn't anyone there to care. I wish . . . ." Harry's words faltered as he looked down to where his hand rested on Severus' shoulder, lying on the blue blanket that was wrapped around Severus.
"What do you wish?" Severus tensed. Common sense was telling him that Harry was wishing that he'd never heard any of the no doubt disappointing things Severus had just told his lover, but his heart heard the raw emotion in Harry's voice and insisted that his mind was wrong, that Harry wasn't disgusted with him.
"I wish that we were the same age, that I could've been there for you," Harry softly offered.
"You would have hated me the same as your father," Severus said.
"No," Harry insisted, his voice tense and angry. "I'm not like him. Even if we'd hated each other, I would never have done the things he did to you."
Severus gulped as he stared into Harry's troubled gaze. After a moment, he allowed, "No, you wouldn't have. But that doesn't mean you would have liked me."
"I suppose you're right." Harry sighed. "I just wish I could have protected you from all that."
Severus started, unable to hide his shock as he stared into Harry's upset face. Harry's desire to protect him was as unique in his experience as Harry's love for him.
After a moment, Harry's hand slipped down from his shoulder to clasp his hand as Harry said, "Severus . . . the way you talk about this, you make it sound as though . . . mistreatment were the best you could hope for from a lover back then. There wasn't anything wrong with you or lacking; it was the men you were associating with. If you'd had a different type of partner . . . ."
"I would never have had sex at all," Severus finished, appreciating what Harry was attempting to do, for all that it wasn't true.
"That's ridiculous," Harry denied. "Of course you would have had sex."
"What normal man would . . . choose to be with me without compulsion or ulterior motives?" Severus asked.
"I know I'm not anyone's idea of normal, but I'm not that much of a freak, am I?" Harry uncertainly questioned. "I chose to be with you. Anyone in their right mind would have done the same thing after the sex we had in the forest that first night. Severus, you have a lot to offer anybody."
His throat felt like a petrification spell had been used on it. Forcing his tight muscles to work, Severus replied as normally as he could manage, "You are the only one who has ever made that claim."
"I'm the only one you've ever let close enough to you to do so," Harry objected.
"It's a circular argument," Severus said, unwilling to continue this painful line of discussion.
"Perhaps," Harry agreed. After some thought, Harry questioned, "How did my suggesting that we join minds while making love bring all this up? Did you think I'd . . .rape your mind? Force you?"
What was he supposed to say to that? He'd been trying to be truthful with Harry wherever possible, but how was he to be honest about this? While it was true that he was probably oversensitive and reacted badly to even the suggestion of telepathic contact, it was more than that. There was no way to explain that it was Harry's uncanny resemblance to his father that had brought up all those bad memories, without broaching the rest of the sordid mess.
"Severus?" Harry prompted after a prolonged pause.
Knowing that he had to answer, he met Harry's eyes and offered as much of the truth as he dared. "I know that is not in your character. The reaction was . . . instinctive."
"They really hurt you, didn't they?" Harry tentatively asked.
"Most . . . found pleasure in administering pain. I was not an innocent victim. I knew what I was getting into beforehand," Severus answered. "Please don't twist the events into a Gryffindor tragedy. I was a willing participant."
"But you weren't looking to be hurt, were you?" Harry pressed with visible reluctance. "All you really wanted was what everyone wants – someone to hold them."
"That's hardly the point -"
"It's the only point that matters," Harry said.
Forcing himself to hold those green eyes, Severus asked, "So where does this leave us?"
"What do you mean?" Once again, Harry seemed confused.
"You wish to engage in telepathic contact. I do not. What happens now?" Severus questioned, very aware of the fact that he would not have been having this conversation in the past. If one of his former partners had wanted telepathic contact when he did not, he would have been grappling to maintain his mental integrity at this point.
"What do you mean, what happens now? You just told me you couldn't," Harry answered.
"And that's the end of it?" Severus checked.
"My god, do you think I'd . . . force you?" Harry all but stuttered in his shock.
Severus quickly clarified, "Contrary to all appearances, I do trust you. I know that isn't in your nature. But if you were to insist on the contact for our relationship to continue, I would -"
His words were cut off by a vehement, "I'm not them! You don't have to let me rape your mind to be my lover. God, Severus . . . ."
Reading Harry's distress and horror, Severus quickly apologized. "Forgive me. I -"
Harry interrupted him again. "No, I'm the one who's sorry. I should never have pushed so hard on this. I . . . didn't understand. I won't bring the subject up again." The last was voiced in the tone of a solemn vow.
Was it possible? Could he have gotten off that easily? Could his lover's emotional welfare really be more important to Harry than his own satisfaction? So far, they had been in agreement on everything they'd done. This was the first true instance where their desires were at opposite poles . . . and Harry had ceded to his wishes for no reason other than to spare him distress.
The consideration was so foreign to Severus' experience that he could hardly comprehend it. But he appreciated it, more than he'd ever appreciated any other kindness in his life. The warmth that rushed through him as he stared into Harry's worried eyes was overwhelming. His insides felt like they were melting, while emotionally . . . he'd never experienced so complex a web of positive feelings towards someone in his life. He supposed the gratitude was only to be expected, but the other emotions . . . he was literally in awe of his young lover.
Severus didn't understand the sudden anxiety that crossed Harry's face.
